Friendly Foes
by ExistenceIsFutile23
Summary: The Organization must befriend Sora and the gang? Mickey and Xemnas are on vacation? Axel's a pervert? Marluxia's a little weird? Zexion and Riku get along? Xaldin is labled as "molestor"? Xigbar won't quit calling Sora Roxas? Whats going on?
1. Bonding Time

Well Enemies must be friends now. This could get messy...

****

Disclaimer:

I don't own Kingdom Hearts.****

Bonding Time

"This is insane!" Sora yelled out to the silent room full of people.

"Does anyone think this insane besides me?!"

Everyone was either in shock, angry, scared, or in king Mickey and Xemnas' case, pleased.

"Well today is a special day that calls for no fighting!" King Mickey informed them. "Besides," Xemnas added, thanks to your friend Merlin's blunder, no one can use their powers or even fight or they get zapped."

Everyone glared at Merlin who shrunk in his seat.

As crazy as it was (like Sora mentioned) Organization 13 was sitting in the same room with Sora and his friends.

"So what now?" intoned Riku.

Mickey smiled and picked up a suitcase, "the only way to break Merlin's spell is to bond with your enemies!"

Everybody groaned and sighed (Zexion).

Xemnas held out his hand which contained 11 straws, "Just shut up and pick a straw to see which person you have to 'bond' with"

The organization all picked a straw and Mickey held out straws for Sora and his friends.

Everyone was predictably unhappy with their choices. Well except for a few... (can you guess who?)

Marluxia- -Yuffie

Demyx- -Cloud

Axel- -Kairi

Zexion- -Riku

Roxas- -Namine

Larxene--Leon

Luxord- -Cid

Xaldin- -Aerith

Lexeaus- -Tifa

Xigbar- -Sora

Saix- -Sephiroth

"SEPHIROTH?!" everyone shouted at once. Cloud drew his sword, "When did you get here?!" Saix drew his weapon (who the hell would be happy to get paired with Sephiroth?!). Both Cloud and Saix fell to the ground as if electrocuted.

"Now you see why I haven't destroyed you yet Cloud" Sephiroth muttered.

"Well were off!" Xemnas picked up a suitcase and walked away with Mickey. "Where the hell are you going?!" Axel shouted out. "King Mickey and I are going on vacation until this is all sorted out." Xemnas shouted back.

"Remember to bond in order to break the spell! Merlin and Vexen will be trying to find an alternative to break the spell if you fail!" Mickey shouted.

Then they were gone.


	2. The Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend

Now lets see how everyone handles being paired up!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or that joke from Family guy. You know the one.

**The Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend, or Something Like That...**

"So... do you like flowers?" the pink haired man asked.

For Yuffie and Marluxia's 'bonding experience' they had decided to go to the mall in Traverse Town.

Yuffie shrugged and sipped on her smoothie.

"Oh what is he wearing??" Marluxia whispered loudly and pointed at a guy walking by. Yuffie choked and spit her smoothie out. She giggled uncontrollably as Marluxia patted her back, "You okay?"

"Marly," she said after a few more coughs, "this bonding thing is gonna be a piece of cake!"

Marluxia smiled at his new friend.

--

Demyx and Cloud were not having the same luck. "Of all the damn places in the universe he picks the park..." Cloud rubbed his head in annoyance. He sat on a bench while Demyx swung on a swing after chasing all the children off the playground to have it to himself.

"Come on Cloud! will you give me a push?"

Cloud gave him a death glare, "No."

Demyx pouted and ran over to the slide, "water slide!" he made water flow down the short slide and Instead of it cascading to the ground, it sprayed out from the slide and hit Cloud in the face.

Demyx froze in fear as Cloud slowly wiped water from his eyes.

"When this is over, you better hope Sephiroth takes care of me before I can get to you."

--

"So what do you want to do?" Kairi asked Axel.

'Don't say "you", don't say "you"!' Axel thought in a panic as Kairi stretched after standing up.

"Uhhh..." he tried to look away from her now exposed stomach, "You?"

She raised an eyebrow at him as he mentally killed himself, "Ah uh, what I meant was what do YOU wanna do?"

She shrugged and looked at her watch, "Well there's this store that just opened here and I wanted to get Namine something for her birthday." Axel nodded, "okay whatever."

"It's called Hustler Hollywood and I think they have some funny stuff there" she told him. He just nodded again not knowing what awaited him...

--

Zexion sighed. Riku sighed.

Zexion mumbled angry things about how hot Riku's house was.

Riku muttered angry things about how hot his house was.

Zexion changed the song on his Zune.

Riku changed the song on his own Zune.

Both listened to the same song in the darkness of Riku's living room.

Cute without the 'e' (cut from the team) by Taking Back Sunday.

--

"I'm glad I got paired with you..." Roxas blushed. Namine licked her sea salt ice cream and swung her legs, "Me too Roxy!" she giggled and he rubbed his head. He really didn't mind if Namine called him that, but hated when Demyx or Axel would.

Roxas and Namine sat on top of the Twilight Town clock tower eating ice cream and watching the twilight that was always there.

"I feel bad for Kairi though," Roxas mumbled, "Axel can be weird sometimes..."

Namine giggled again and Roxas smiled.

The twilight felt nice.

--

"Quit bitching and bend the bars!" Larxene shouted in frustration. "You're the-" Leon didn't finish his sentence because just then a guard walked by. Larxene and Leon acted like they were doing harmless things.

In the first five minutes alone, Leon and Larxene had been arrested for 'disturbing the peace' (arguing about how much of a douche the other was), 'domestic violence' (the officer had thought they were husband and wife) and public intoxication (Leon had told the officer that Larxene was acting this way because she was drunk).

Now they sat in their cell and tried to bend the bars to escape.

"If you were a man and could bend the bars, we'd be out of here..." Larxene blew a strand of hair from her face.

Leon grumbled, "You ARE a man..."

--

"You play poker?" Luxord asked Cid.

The mechanic nodded and sat at the table.

"Deal em'."

--

"Aren't you... that creepy guy that kidnapped Bele and molested her?" Aerith asked Xaldin calmly.

His eyes widened, "who told you that?!"

Aerith stepped back from him, "Sora."

"SO uh... What should we do?" Xaldin chuckled nervously and waved his arms.

"Go somewhere with lots of people and lots of lights," Aerith stepped back again, "and doesn't involve molestation."

--

"YA!" Tifa yelled out and kicked Lexeaus' sides with her heels.

He had agreed to let her ride on his shoulders so she could run her errands. Now he ran through crowds of people with Tifa on his shoulders, smashing people out of his way to get to the store.

"This is the best way to run errands! Cloud would never do this for me!" she yelled.

--

"Roxas! get the fruit!" Xigbar shouted out for the third time in a row.

"My name's Sora! and I'm not getting the fruit there's a ghost right there!" Sora yelled and yanked the joystick.

He and Xigbar were taking turns on Packman and Sora was tired of the older man always calling him Roxas.

"We don't even really look the same!"

--

"We are the rulers of this empire!" Saix yelled out. Sephiroth laughed along with him and pushed a woman out of his way.

"You have no respect for your elders!" an old woman hit Saix with her cane.

"Ow! you evil old hag!"

Sephiroth and Saix had found their way into a retirement home and began to hoard all of the apple sauce and pillows, proclaiming themselves the 'kings of this castle'.

Sephiroth picked up the lady who was mauling Saix with a cane and raised her over his head, "YOU shall be my queen! Muhahahaha!!"

--

That was random... R&R!!


	3. This Is A Breakfast Club!

**This Is A Breakfast Club!**

"Get out of here!"

"What? This is an outrage!"

"You creep me out! Dye your hair a different color!"

The door to Victoria's Secret slammed in Marluxia's face. Yuffie walked out of the store with a worried look. "If you won't let me buy that boa," Marluxia screamed through the closing door, "I'll... I'll write a formal complaint that's what I'll do!"

Everyone in this section of the mall was staring at the pink haired man and some were laughing.

"All that for a boa?" Yuffie asked.

Marluxia sighed, "Those jerks... Come on, let's go to JC Penny."

The two made their way into the clothing section of the store. Yuffie split up with her new friend to go look for a belt that would look good on Leon (all of them! she thought). She browsed through a few choices when all of a sudden a woman came on the speaker above, "Security to woman's apparel."

"Oh no..." Yuffie made her way to Marluxia at a brisk pace.

"You people of the mall are all the same!"

"Sir, first of all, I'm not supposed to let men try on the woman's clothing from this section, and second, you definitely cannot go into the woman's dressing room!"

Marluxia waved the pair of jeans in the air and pointed at the lady, "NAZI! FACIST NAZI!". The two security guards showed up and stared at the odd scene.

"ARREST HER GENTLEMEN! ARREST THE NAZI LADY!"

The guards grabbed him under the arms and led him to the exit.

Yuffie giggled and followed while Marluxia brought out his more colorful vocabulary.

"If I could use my scythe..."

--

"Okay I'm it!" Demyx raised his hand.

Several small children had arrived at the playground and asked Demyx to play tag.

Cloud rolled his eyes.

"Gottcha Doug!", the boy Demyx tagged ran after a little girl and tagged her. The girl chased after Demyx and the Organization member tripped on his cloak and fell hard to the grass. "You're it Demy!"

He got up and looked toward Cloud, Cloud glared, unsure of what was going through his mind. The sitar player ran over and poked Cloud's shoulder, "You're it Cloud!"

He scoffed and went back to trying to nap. "Aw Cloud, do you not feel good?"

"I'll kill you," Cloud muttered.

"Everyone!" Demyx turned back toward the watching children, "Cloud's not feeling good, you know what he needs?" One of the kids raised his hand, "A hug!"

Demyx snapped, "Yeah! Lets hug him!"

"Children will be hurt if anyone tries to hug me Demyx. And don't think you don't count as a child.

--

Axel was sweating. Weird for him since he was a wielder of flame.

Kairi ignored his discomfort and continued to look through the items sold at Hustler Hollywood. Axel didn't know this shop specialized in various... sexual novelties and toys.

"Is this really what girls buy each other for their birthdays?" Axel held a bottle of lubricant.

Kairi blushed, "Well, actually I'm getting her a card. What you have is more appropriate for an older woman's birthday or something..."

Axel threw the bottle on it's shelf with disgust, "I'm going to wait outside..."

He got to the sidewalk outside (now not sweating so much) and lit a cigarette.

He noticed a man delivering something with a large delivery truck. The guy was having trouble lifting a box out of the back. "Need some help?"

The man set the box down breathing hard, "Oh god... I forgot my hand truck at the warehouse. Thanks so much!"

Axel flicked away his cig and hoisted up the other side of the box.

"Geez, what's in this thing?"

"Uh, I don't really know, I'm just delivering it to Hustler..."

Axel went toward the store's entrance, but his foot caught on the curb. "Ahh! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

He fell backwards and took his end of the box down with him. The box landed on his chest and the front of it popped off.

Out of it came several hundred magazines all piling on top of the red haired man.

"Oh shit! are you okay?!" the delivery guy was panicking.

When the pile of pornographic material came to a stable mound on top of Axel's chest and head, Kairi walked out of the store with a small bag. "Axel?" she bent down and brushed a few magazines aside to reveal his angry face.

"Axel! If you wanted to buy porn why'd you come outside?"

--

"How long does it have to sit?" Riku looked at his head nervously in the mirror.

Zexion looked at the back of the hair dye bottle, "says thirty minutes..."

Riku frowned and continued to look at the purple-ish/black paste covering his long hair.

"I can't believe I'm dying my hair black... What will Kairi think?"

A portion of his bangs were separated from the dying process so they would remain white. The two had gone to Zexion's house after watching several Taking Back Sunday, Thursday and The Used music videos to dye Riku's hair.

Zexion sighed, "I'm glad my hair is naturally perfect."

"Zexion, why are there so many razor blades in your bathroom?"

--

The place was going crazy. Alarms on walls buzzed with red light, prisoners screamed from their cells and guards ran around in confusion.

Cell number 46 had been the scene of an escape. Larxene and Leon had succeeded in bending the bars with their super manly strength. (Don't ask why they put a male and female in the same cell...)

"Thanks to you I broke a nail, now hurry and climb!" Larxene yelled and pushed Leon up the fence to make him go faster.

"If you touch my ass again..." he warned and reached the top of the fence.

A guard stepped out from the building and fired a shot at the two.

It exploded above Leon's hand and almost made him fall.

"Jump over idiot!!" Larxene screamed and jumped over to the other side.

The two landed and ran for their lives.

Out of breath, they came to rest behind a house after what felt like hours of running.

Larxene jumped a little when her cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Number twelve? This is number one."

"Oh... Hey superior..."

"I heard that you were arrested,"

"Yeah, It was a stupid story. Don't worry I escaped."

Xemnas chuckled on the other end of the phone, "Well, I have a request of you number twelve."

Larxene rolled her eyes and glared at Leon who was tapping his foot impatiently. "What is it superior?" Xemnas cleared his throat, "I require that you deliver a large bottle of sunscreen lotion to my location!"

Larxene almost fell over, "WHAT?!"

Xemnas grunted impatiently, "SPF 100 Savage Nymph!"

Larxene was halfway between blowing up with fury and laughing hysterically. "Hell no! I'm on the run with this idiot right now."

""But," Xemnas clearly whined on the other end, "I have a large sunburn and everyone's making fun of me, even king Mickey!"

Larxene slammed her phone shut and crossed her arms. "An interesting conversation..." Leon held a small smile. "Oh shut up you," Larxene jumped as her phone vibrated from a received text message. It read:

From: Xemnas (Superior)

FINE! I'll just ask Saix! He's more loyal than most of you imbeciles! :'(

--

"You're a fuckin cheater!" Cid stood up and slammed his hands on the poker table.

"Excuse me?" Luxord asked with a glare. Cid pointed at his large pile of munny that had been lost to Luxord, "You heard me you damn bitch! You're a fuckin cheater and your mother's a bitch ass whore!"

Luxord smiled and crossed his arms. "Well I know how we can fix this."

Cid sat down again and grunted. "You can have the munny back, but the loser of this next game has to run through town naked."

Cid rubbed his hands together, "You're on mother fucker!"

--

Xaldin gripped at the collar around his neck. "Why do I have to?" he asked with a sigh. Aerith smiled sweetly and yanked on the leash, "this ensures that you don't make an atempt to grab my chest or something else. Xaldin's shoulders slumped. "I DIDN'T MOLEST BELLE!" he shouted.

"Hey!" Cid shouted from the living room, "No fuckin molesting in my house and I don't care who it is! Now shut the fuck up and quit screamin ya pussy fuck!"

Aerith pulled Xaldin toward the room that Cid was in. The two found Xaldin and Luxord engaged in a serious card game. "What are you guys up to?" Aerith asked them. "Poker" Luxord grunted and threw some chips into play.

"Can I join?" she asked. Luxord and Cid both looked at her like she was crazy. Xaldin was trying to escape behind her back unsuccessfully.

Luxord looked at Cid, well it would be interesting if this woman had to follow through on the part of the bet if she lost..."

Cid's eyes widened.

"Holy chocobo shit! Yer damn right, Aerith you're in!"

--

Tifa had picked up her dry cleaning, gone grocery shopping, defended her title at the local fight club, eaten lunch, stared at the shrine of Cloud hidden in her closet, visited her friends and paid the bills all in record time thanks to Lexaeus.

And he had only had to trample three people and knock out a child in his way to get Tifa to all of her destinations.

"Ah," Tifa sighed happily as she rode on Lexaeus' back towards Merlin's house, "now I need to get home and take a bath, I just hope nothing weird happens..."

--

"Roxas!" Xigbar shouted and pointed at a ghost on the screen. Sora yelled as Pacman was killed on screen.

"That's it!" Sora screamed and threw the controller. He jumped on Xigbar and started strangling him.

"My.Name.Is.Sora.Not.Roxas!!" he yelled between each throtle of the man's throat.

--

"Oh man, you are sooooo hot..." Saix cooed to the girl dancing in front of him. Sephiroth looked over and laughed, "she so wants you man, take that slut home and give her the bone man."

The retirement home that Saix and Sephiroth had taken over had been turned into a strip club by the two. Now twenty-three women all danced around Saix, Sephiroth and the horrified old men.

"This is no fair!" an old man complained. "What? Sephiroth asked outraged, "We bring you voluptuous young women and you complain old man?!"

The man sighed, "no it's not that, you two are like gods to us now. It's just... I can't get it up!"

"Yeah!" all the other old men complained.

"You!" Saix pointed to a cowering attendant in the corner. She squeaked and ran to stand in front of Saix while trembling. "Go get as much Viagra as you can wench!"

She looked surprised and blushed. "You heard me!" he yelled and raised his hand as the woman ran off, "My peons require erections, and erections they shall get!


	4. Losing a Bet

"This is the first time I've been to the mall and not gotten anything." Marluxia complained. "And the first time you've been kicked out?" Yuffie asked.

Marluxia smiled, "oh no, I got kicked out once when this little skank called my hair a hot mess." Yuffie giggled.

"I kicked her ass." Marluxia waved his finger.

"Really?!" Yuffie pictured Marly punching a teenage girl in the nose.

"Hell yeah! Marluxia raised his hand in a backhanded slapping motion, "I bitch slapped that bitch and she ran!"

Yuffie clutched her stomach in laughter.

Marluxia put his hands on his hips, "Okay where to next?"

Yuffie put her arm through his linking them, "Let's just go back to Merlin's and see what's up."

---

"Listen Demyx," Cloud told the man walking next to him down the sidewalk, "we're never gonna bond. So let's just get back to Merlin's and see if they've found the fix to this."

Demyx nodded, "but does that mean we're gonna go back to fighting after this is don-" He was cut off by Cloud pulling him back by the shoulder.

A car zoomed past where Demyx would have been.

"LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET IDIOT!" Cloud yelled.

Once Demyx's eye's went back from being 2 sizes bigger, he immediately latched on to Cloud, "Oh thank you Cloud, thank you!"

Cloud sighed and peeled Demyx off. "Let's just get back to Merlin's for christ's sake."

---

Axel sat across from the red haired girl at a little coffee shop. She sipped her latte and looked over her gifts to Naminé again. A funny card that would surly make the nobody blush and a pair of pure white silk pajama pants with matching spaghetti string tank top.

Axel quickly snuffed the thought of seeing Kairi wearing it.

He was growing bored and decided to do a little reading.

"Um, what are you doing?" Kairi asked in disbelief after a few moments. Axel looked up from the magazine with mock innocence, "Whatever do you mean?"

"Did you steal porn from Hustler Hollywood?!" she looked disgusted and quickly glanced around the coffee shop to make sure no one was looking.

Axel turned the page and whistled, "I didn't steal it, After that guy's crate crushed me, one of the mags may have slipped into my pocket."

Kairi gave him a look of disbelief again.

"Let's just go back to the wizard's house." Axel stood up and put his pornographic reading material away.

---

"I want to see everyone's reaction" Riku flicked his now dry black hair.

Zexion opened a portal of darkness, "okay, let's just go back to your wizard friend's home."

---

Sora let go of the gasping man's throat and stood up breathing hard. After he had started choking the man it had felt as if he was being electrocuted and had to let go. "Sorry.... about... that..." the keyblade master panted.

Xigbar stood up rubbing his throat with murder in his eye.

Sora gulped and backed up nervously, "I'm really, really sorry I don't know why i did that!"

The free-shooter took a step forward with raised hands.

Sora backed away holding his neck in protection. "Remember, we can't fight!"

"I don't care!" Xigbar yelled and lunged forward poking Sora in his eye.

The two fell down shouting in pain, Sora holding his eye and Xigbar convulsing as if he'd stuck a fork in an outlet.

**-5 minutes later-**

Sora sat on his bed pouting with his hands under his chin. Xigbar sat at the desk with a smile. "How's the eye?"

After Sora's eye had swelled shut, Xigbar pulled a second eye patch out from his pocket and handed it over.

The two had matching eye patches over their right eyes.

Sora grunted and stood up.

Xigbar followed him out to the kitchen where they could hear Cid shouting.

---

"Wow this is weird!" Yuffie smiled at everyone. Demyx, Cloud, Axel, Kairi, Roxas, Naminé, Lexaeus, Tifa, Leon, Larxene, Marluxia, Yuffie, Zexion, Riku, Sephiroth and Saix all had arrived at Merlin's at the same time.

There was an awkward silence as everyone looked at each other.

"W-what happened to your hair?" Kairi broke the silence and making everyone look at Riku. He smirked and opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted when the door to Merlin's burst open and two naked men came running out yelling and cussing.

Everyone stared in shock as the completely naked Cid and Luxord ran out into the street and around the corner into town.

---


End file.
